Wednesday, June 27, 2012

A Preponderance of Ponderings

I'm amazed I'm awake right now.  Woke up at 7am, worked from 8:30-11:30, chilled at home, and then worked at the restaurant, which I shall call "the sloppy saloon" for the purposes of this writing, from 5:15-11:20.  Some of my fellow servers asked if I wanted to go drinking with them, and I did, but I declined in favor of going to the gym.  I've been feeling pretty sloppy myself lately, and that's terrible.  Gym from 1:00am-2:00am, and now here I am.

Frustration.  Overabundance of thoughts.  Overabundance of things that I want to do....

It irks me that my ramblings are so trivial.  Perhaps I should try to make my writing more deliberate and intentional...but on the other hand, maybe that would be counterproductive, given the sort of therapeutic place that all these words are coming from.

Confessionals, psychiatrists, prayers, autobiographies...the world is awash in people trying to make themselves heard and understood, to find empathy or indulgence.  I guess this is in the same vein.  But I have no audience or deity to read what I write.  Just myself, and the infinite ether.

I wonder if it's possible to be all the things that I want to be.  My inner zen master tells me that it doesn't matter whether or not it's possible.  It doesn't matter if it happens or not.  Life is life.  Any control over life is an illusion, the self is an illusion, happiness and sadness are always temporary, and existence itself is fleeting.  All I can do is try to enjoy the ride, I guess.

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