Life

Although it is very challenging, I love life.

Resolve

Fight fight fight.  I have been going through a lot of weird stuff lately.  Mostly positive, but also some challenges.  Work has been very busy and stressful.  And yet, I still love my job.  I love my job so much.  I thank the universe every day for the fact that I like my job, because it really is a huge blessing.  I only hope that I can really contribute to my company and help take it to the next level, because we really could get huge.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how little I know.  From the very big, macrocosmic-level issues...does life have meaning, do I have a destiny, am I somehow the architect of my own reality...to the very small, day-to-day issues...is it right to do this or that, am I taking care of everything on my to-do list, I am keeping myself healthy...there's just so much uncertainty in life.  And it seems like there really is no way to know.

不識廬山真面目只緣身在此山中

Life is always going to be overwhelming for all of us I think.  Or at least, it will be if you are paying attention.  The thing to do is just to let yourself be overwhelmed.  It's hard to do that because we want to be in control.  Evolution and nature and culture puts pressure on us to fight, and to win.  But ultimately you can't win, per se.  Technology may help us transcend our current, physical limitations, perhaps.  But there are just too many huge forces beyond our control.  We're all mortal, for the time being.  So if you just relax, let yourself be overwhelmed, then you can sort of be free.

That's not to say that we should give up.  Letting yourself be overwhelmed is not that at all.  It just means that you're not fighting reality.  You're just doing your best without resisting what is.

Fight fight fight, but also let things be.

Mantra

I will not dwell on weaknesses or mistakes.
I will accept them, learn from them, and then move on.
I will dwell on change and improvement.
I will accept that I can change, and that I will change.
I will respect the feelings of others.  I will respect that I am just one part of a greater system.
I will never tolerate weaknesses or excuses from myself.  I will not accept limitations as being permanent or greater than my own ability to overcome them.
I will accept moments as they come.

Zen: a Word that Cannot be Translated

I realized today that I love "zen" as a concept for much the same reason that I love "zen" as a word.  It is a word that cannot be translated.  Similarly, it is a concept that cannot be explained.  It's this perfectly unique, mental, philosophical, and even physical, key.  Thinking beyond thinking.  Would love to write more on this, but tons of work to be done.

Meditation

Always flux.  Emotional.  Physical.  Financial.  Sometimes it's hard not to feel that the tides of life are dizzying in the speed and variation of their swell and depth.

I've been pretty productive lately.  It's been a good feeling, making progress.  At the same time, the same old challenges remain.  Personal doubts, anxieties, weaknesses.  How do I crush them?  The goal is clear, but the path is not.  Time flies by, and who you were changes into you are, again and again, every moment.

I'm burning with this fuel.  I need to improve myself.  I need to take what I am train it, constrain it, teach it how to be perfectly ready.  And I need to improve the world around me.

I'm tired.  I need a vacation from being me.  But the responsibilities and obligations are always there.  Maybe a Zen master would say that we are not separate from our responsibilities and obligations.  Of course we are separate, but we are also not separate.  If you did not have your so-called problems, you would not be you.  You would be like water dissipating into the air if you did not have some rocks and sand to bounce off of and flow around.  Our very existence is energy bouncing off energy, and it gives you the illusion of everything that you see, everything that you are.  So do not fight your existence.

Go.  Go.  Go.

Fight.  Fight.  Fight.