Hmm

I've had a ton of thoughts/ideas that I've wanted to write here, but alas, at the moment they've all slipped away.  I remember some of them being quite profound (relatively), but I guess without writing them down, sometimes even deep and powerful thoughts can pass without leaving an imprint.

Of course, a lot of those thoughts came when I was in bed, falling asleep.  And I know I'm not the first person to notice that some of life's most interesting thoughts come at the time when it is most challenging to get up and write them down.

That being said, just now I was thinking about the idea of "enlightenment."  A lot of Buddhist stories/lore talk about how certain koans, paradoxical statements, or simple events caused famous Buddhists to "become enlightened."  I'm not sure to what extent this corresponds to the idea of "satori."  Thinking about these moments though, led me to remember a time when I was on a subway in a very terrible city.  The subway was crowded and frustrating, and so I had taken to trying to meditate while standing in the crowded space.  After weeks of these attempts, a moment struck where I seemed to break through a ton of mental barriers all at once.  The subway doors opened and I stepped out into a very beautiful and amazing world.  I couldn't stop myself from laughing and smiling at everything, even though only hours earlier I had felt that the city was awful and my life quite challenging.  It truly felt like I had connected with some deeper part of myself that was normally dormant.  The feeling lasted for several hours, but the experience made a huge impression on me about the nature of reality.

Just now, revisiting that memory, it almost felt like that state of mind/being was just around the corner yet again.  This makes me wonder if that perspective is always waiting for us somewhere, waiting for us to change our thoughts in just the right way so that the universe opens up.

Sacrifice

My friends invited me to go do something fun with them tonight.  As usual, I turned them down.  It's tough because I know they think I'm a flake or that I'm aloof or something.  I want to have friends and I want to have fun, but the reality is I am totally in debt and totally need a better job.

So I sacrifice.

It's really tough, but if I can't have friends or do fun things until I get my life under control, so be it.  I don't have the luxury of time or money.  I've been doing a lot of job interviews lately, and working hard to get out of the mess that I'm in.

In 10 years' time, having pulled myself out of poverty by working hard and making sacrifices will give my life meaning (assuming I don't get hit by a bus).  In 10 years' time, having spent many an evening playing video games and drinking beer with my friends probably will not.

Don't be discouraged by giving up that which you want.  Animal urges do not take precedence over self-cultivation and productivity.

You know the path you are on, and others do not.  Stay on the path you have chosen for yourself.

Go, go, go.
Fight, fight, fight.

Be awesome.

catalyst

aside from chance, committing to a tough decision seems to be the biggest catalyst for massive change.  one email just altered my entire work schedule and workload drastically.  moral of the story: have the courage to do what your instincts tell you.