Two

Why write like this instead of just writing in a journal?  If I really don't care about subscribers, as I claim, why put it on the internet at all?  I'm not sure.  I am kicking myself right now because I was about to write: "one reason is because I can type much faster than I can write with a pen."  That is ridiculous.  That's no reason at all, because I could just as easily be writing this in notepad and save it.  So there must be something about the publicity of the internet that is appealing to me.  I guess part of it is that I see other people with blogs and it appears to be somewhat rewarding...you can put your thoughts out into cyberspace, and curious people with fingers and search engines go prowling and poking around, and they share in your thoughts...the allure of sociality.  We feel that if someone else reads our words, then our thoughts are somehow transcending the limitations of our meaty, corporeal bodies and being etched into a more permanent space.  We can't have physical immortality, but our ideas can live as long as mankind is around.  Conceivably, our ideas could even outlive mankind itself.  Or perhaps it's simply that evolution has conditioned us to feel safety and security through non-hostile communication.  Or maybe those two ideas, that we want our ideas to be immortal and that communication and social understanding are self-rewarding behaviors, are not mutually exclusive.  I suppose I believe that they aren't.

So I guess that some part of me is actually searching for a reader, or recognition.  Otherwise I'd be writing this in notepad.  Or at least, I'm open to sharing some of my thoughts with readers.  I stand by my earlier statement about not caring about whether or not anyone reads what I write in this particular outlet.  My socio-intellectual cravings for recognition are already met in a less angst-ridden arena.

I feel crazy, and a little disjointed, but writing all this nonsense has made me feel a little better...like when you need to sneeze and you finally get it out.  Things feel a little more clear.  And yet, it kinda disturbs me that I've written things very similar to this before.  Why does my mind need to spit out the same kinds of thoughts again and again?  It's all a part of the search for meaning, I suppose...some people feel the need to spout out their beliefs about gods and messiahs, others feel the need to reflect on existential questions, again, and again, and again.

Number One

We'll see if this goes anywhere.  I usually feel like blogging is pointless.  Default mental output is hardly noteworthy, but maybe putting down thoughts regularly will help me in the other areas of my life that I'm trying to improve.  I don't care about having followers or subscribers.  It is sad to me that it seems like everyone's number one goal in life is to get attention...it makes sense, of course, but it's still sad.  Attention = influence = money = power, etc. etc.  When I transcend and become an all-powerful deity, I will make people care less about attention and more about quietude.