Hmm

I've had a ton of thoughts/ideas that I've wanted to write here, but alas, at the moment they've all slipped away.  I remember some of them being quite profound (relatively), but I guess without writing them down, sometimes even deep and powerful thoughts can pass without leaving an imprint.

Of course, a lot of those thoughts came when I was in bed, falling asleep.  And I know I'm not the first person to notice that some of life's most interesting thoughts come at the time when it is most challenging to get up and write them down.

That being said, just now I was thinking about the idea of "enlightenment."  A lot of Buddhist stories/lore talk about how certain koans, paradoxical statements, or simple events caused famous Buddhists to "become enlightened."  I'm not sure to what extent this corresponds to the idea of "satori."  Thinking about these moments though, led me to remember a time when I was on a subway in a very terrible city.  The subway was crowded and frustrating, and so I had taken to trying to meditate while standing in the crowded space.  After weeks of these attempts, a moment struck where I seemed to break through a ton of mental barriers all at once.  The subway doors opened and I stepped out into a very beautiful and amazing world.  I couldn't stop myself from laughing and smiling at everything, even though only hours earlier I had felt that the city was awful and my life quite challenging.  It truly felt like I had connected with some deeper part of myself that was normally dormant.  The feeling lasted for several hours, but the experience made a huge impression on me about the nature of reality.

Just now, revisiting that memory, it almost felt like that state of mind/being was just around the corner yet again.  This makes me wonder if that perspective is always waiting for us somewhere, waiting for us to change our thoughts in just the right way so that the universe opens up.

Sacrifice

My friends invited me to go do something fun with them tonight.  As usual, I turned them down.  It's tough because I know they think I'm a flake or that I'm aloof or something.  I want to have friends and I want to have fun, but the reality is I am totally in debt and totally need a better job.

So I sacrifice.

It's really tough, but if I can't have friends or do fun things until I get my life under control, so be it.  I don't have the luxury of time or money.  I've been doing a lot of job interviews lately, and working hard to get out of the mess that I'm in.

In 10 years' time, having pulled myself out of poverty by working hard and making sacrifices will give my life meaning (assuming I don't get hit by a bus).  In 10 years' time, having spent many an evening playing video games and drinking beer with my friends probably will not.

Don't be discouraged by giving up that which you want.  Animal urges do not take precedence over self-cultivation and productivity.

You know the path you are on, and others do not.  Stay on the path you have chosen for yourself.

Go, go, go.
Fight, fight, fight.

Be awesome.

catalyst

aside from chance, committing to a tough decision seems to be the biggest catalyst for massive change.  one email just altered my entire work schedule and workload drastically.  moral of the story: have the courage to do what your instincts tell you.

Thoughts

Today someone told me following:

"We all search for [the monomyth], you more explicitly than anyone else i know."

For those of you who haven't heard of it, it is a formula described by a man named Joseph Campbell, and it is purported to underlie many of the narratives in human culture:A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man.Campbell and other scholars, such as Erich Neumann, describe narratives of Gautama Buddha, Moses, and Christ in terms of the monomyth and Campbell argues that classic myths from many cultures follow this basic pattern.

It is mind-blowing to me that anyone could think I am searching for this pattern more explicitly than anyone else they know. I have never considered myself to be in search of it. But after he said it to me, I felt that I do resonate with the notion...that I'm searching for it, not that I should be searching for it more than anyone else.

I often wonder how often other people are "searching" for something. I suppose I often wonder whether or not I am actually searching for anything.

****

I like Buddhism. In some ways. But I find that I'm becoming somewhat disillusioned with a lot of the "spiritual" teachers out there. To me, talk of "dissolving problems" or "interacting with the universe lovingly" is often little more than flowery snake oil. I think it is important, if one is "pursuing" Zen, or whatever it is that we do, to not get caught up in what I call "rich people Zen." I do not think being Zen is about being comfortable or happy. Being comfortable and happy may be a side product of Zen, sometimes. But I like to think (not trying to liberate myself from the addiction to thought, of course) that even if my life somehow became horrible, such as by being trapped in a prison cell or being the victim of some horrible disaster, that Zen would still "be there", even while living in agony. And I guess that's part of my whole qualm with these people. It is impossible to even talk about Zen, because it is separate from words and ideas. It includes words and ideas, but it is also separate from them. So to say something like "your problems no longer exist when you understand Zen," or anything like that, is not what it's about.

I think this quote from Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind does a better job of addressing it than I can:

Dogen-zenji said, “Although everything has Buddha nature, we love flowers, and we do not care for weeds.” This is true of human nature. But that we are attached to some beauty is itself Buddha’s activity. That we do not care for weeds is also Buddha’s activity. We should know that. If you know that, it is all right to attach to something. If it is Buddha’s attachment, that is non-attachment. So in love there should be hate, or non-attachment. And in hate there should be love, or acceptance. Love and hate are one thing. We should not attach to love alone. We should accept hate. We should accept weeds, despite how we feel about them. If you do not care for them, do not love them; if you love them, then love them.

Usually you criticize yourself for being unfair to your surroundings; you criticize your unaccepting attitude. But there is a very subtle difference between the usual way of accepting and our way of accepting things, although they may seem exactly the same. We have been taught that there is no gap between nighttime and daytime, no gap between you and I. This means oneness. But we do not emphasize even oneness. If it is one, there is no need to emphasize one.

****

Lately I've been wondering if seemingly unrelated aspects of life can influence each other. For example, could it be that the universe is somehow watching us? Logically I think no, but I feel that I could never be certain. Perhaps that's a side effect of my Catholic childhood. Or maybe it's just human nature to question that. I guess another quote from ZMBM is appropriate here as well:

If someone is watching you, you can escape from him, but if no one is watching, you cannot escape from yourself.

I guess ultimately we can never separate ourselves from the universe, and we are always watching ourselves. So this universe is always watching us as well. But still, does this answer my question of whether or not seemingly unrelated aspects of life influence each other?


****

Go, go, go.
Fight, fight, fight.
Be awesome.

_/|\_

We are already here.