first update in a long, long time

ugh.  this is my first post since 10/29/2013.  You may want to grab a beverage and/or a snack, because this a long, long tale (that still continues).  In my defense (not that I have any followers/fans to apologize to or whatever), I was in a catastrophic motorcycle accident on November 7th of last year.
I was on my way to meet my girlfriend for dinner when a young woman (I'm not sure how old...)"failed to yield " and hit my motorcycle with her  SUV.

  Since then I have been in 4 hospitals: UCLA   Harbor, UCLA Ronald Reagan, Vibra Hospital, and Sharp Memorial (in which I went through  in-patient therapy).  I also went through a program that is part of Sharp, called 'the Community Re-Entry Program, or CREP for short.  This has definitely been the most challenging chapter of my life (way more challenging than puberty, haha).  I have had to re-learn how to walk, dress myself, bathe, groom, etc.  Maybe "re-learn" isn't really the right verb.  It's just that doing all of those things is now horrifyingly difficult.  Now I am doing out-patient therapy through a program called "Rehab Without Walls," in which therapists come to my house to do rehabilitative things with me (basically it is all the various kinds of therapy: physical, occupational, cognitive, and even recreational <the fun one>.  It is relatively cool.

Perhaps I should explain what happened so that this epic tale has some context:  I was in a coma for I believe about a month.  My parents were in Hawaii at the time, so I guess I cut their vacation a little short.  I broke both of my legs, my left arm, some of my ribs, my left hip, and my nose.  Additionally, as a result of the broken ribs, my lung collapsed.   I'm just damn lucky I didn't break my spine.  However, as a result of my head being shook (shaken?) around inside my helmet, I have a severe traumatic brain injury.  Bummer!  Luckily, I'm still very intelligent and I can still speak Chinese, although reading and writing Chinese is a little more difficult.

So, basically every weekday, I have one of those kinds of therapy, and often more than once a day (for example, I might have physical therapy in the morning and cognitive therapy in the early afternoon
(this is where a sarcastic "yay!" is inserted).

Currently, as I write this post, I am waiting for my physical therapist to arrive.  Physical is always my least favorite type of therapy.  I was never much of an athlete in high school or college.  I did like to go to the gym when I was in college, but in typical male fashion, I basically only paid attention  to my upper body.  Recovering has definitely been the greatest challenge I've ever been through.  And I suspect I won't ever be the same as I was before my accident, physically, mentally, or emotionally.  "Emotionally" is an interesting dimension to examine  though.  I'm definitely just as friendly and kind as I was before my accident, but after seeing all the people in the 'CREP' program, I definitely have a new (or somewhat modified) sense of appreciation for what I do have.  A lot of the other people in that program were in similar situations, but were much older.  That's always a bummer, as recovery becomes more difficult as you age.  As part of my progression back into real life, one of my therapists (I believe it was cognitive) recommended I continue blogging.  Thus this post was created.  Farewell for now.

Life

Although it is very challenging, I love life.

Resolve

Fight fight fight.  I have been going through a lot of weird stuff lately.  Mostly positive, but also some challenges.  Work has been very busy and stressful.  And yet, I still love my job.  I love my job so much.  I thank the universe every day for the fact that I like my job, because it really is a huge blessing.  I only hope that I can really contribute to my company and help take it to the next level, because we really could get huge.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how little I know.  From the very big, macrocosmic-level issues...does life have meaning, do I have a destiny, am I somehow the architect of my own reality...to the very small, day-to-day issues...is it right to do this or that, am I taking care of everything on my to-do list, I am keeping myself healthy...there's just so much uncertainty in life.  And it seems like there really is no way to know.

不識廬山真面目只緣身在此山中

Life is always going to be overwhelming for all of us I think.  Or at least, it will be if you are paying attention.  The thing to do is just to let yourself be overwhelmed.  It's hard to do that because we want to be in control.  Evolution and nature and culture puts pressure on us to fight, and to win.  But ultimately you can't win, per se.  Technology may help us transcend our current, physical limitations, perhaps.  But there are just too many huge forces beyond our control.  We're all mortal, for the time being.  So if you just relax, let yourself be overwhelmed, then you can sort of be free.

That's not to say that we should give up.  Letting yourself be overwhelmed is not that at all.  It just means that you're not fighting reality.  You're just doing your best without resisting what is.

Fight fight fight, but also let things be.

Mantra

I will not dwell on weaknesses or mistakes.
I will accept them, learn from them, and then move on.
I will dwell on change and improvement.
I will accept that I can change, and that I will change.
I will respect the feelings of others.  I will respect that I am just one part of a greater system.
I will never tolerate weaknesses or excuses from myself.  I will not accept limitations as being permanent or greater than my own ability to overcome them.
I will accept moments as they come.

Zen: a Word that Cannot be Translated

I realized today that I love "zen" as a concept for much the same reason that I love "zen" as a word.  It is a word that cannot be translated.  Similarly, it is a concept that cannot be explained.  It's this perfectly unique, mental, philosophical, and even physical, key.  Thinking beyond thinking.  Would love to write more on this, but tons of work to be done.